לחצוב את דרכי

אני חוצבת את דרכי.
אף פעם לא חשבתי שאהיה בשלב בחיים בו אני אחצוב.
התרגלתי לקבל את הכל בקלות יחסית.

מאז גיל צעיר, אני מרגישה שאני מקבלת את הכל בקלות יחסית. מבקשת ומקבלת. עד כדי כך שלפעמים צריכה להזהר במה שמבקשת.

אני כזאת שהשפע תמיד הציף אותה, ולא בגלל שיש לי מיליונים ווילה בהרצליה פיתוח. לא אני ממש לא נוסעת לחו”ל כל שנה, גם לא כל שנתיים או שלוש.
אבל השפע הזה תמיד היה קיים.

ואז פתאום אני מרגישה שאני צריכה לחצוב.
את מה שאני באמת באמת רוצה – אני לא יכולה לקבל רק בבקשה אחת פשוטה.
אני צריכה לפתח כל-כך הרבה יכולות חדשות בתוכי. שם אני חוצבת. בתוכי.

אני חוצבת את דרכי אל האמת הפנימית.
והייתי בטוחה שאני באמת הפנימית שלי. אבל פתאום היא השתנתה לי בלי התראה מוקדמת. בלי הסברים.
כל האמת שהייתי בה נעלמה ולא רלוונטית יותר, ואני הייתי צריכה לחצוב את דרכי. לא הייתי עדיין חוצבת.

אני מזל קשת. אני חייבת להיות באמת. ביירון קייטי היתה שואלת האם את באמת חייבת להיות באמת? ברור שלא. אבל אני מרגישה אי נוחות עד כדי כאב כשאני לא שם.

והשפע הזה מסביבי מבלבל אותי, הייתי שמחה שהוא יהיה קיים ואני לא אתבלבל ממנו. אבל כבר שנים אני לא מצליחה.
ואני כל יום מודה על השפע הזה, ואני גם מבינה את מקומות המקרקע, רק מבקשת שלא יבלבל אותי. לא יסיט אותי מדרכי. לא ישמש כווילונות הסתרה מפני האמת.

עכשיו אני חוצבת את דרכי, ומקווה שבסופו אני אהיה במקום שופע שלא אסתנוור ממנו.

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מאי 17, 2021

צ׳אט איתי

הי, תכתבי לי ואני אשמח לענות לך

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